Fostering Independence in the Young Child
(Written by Emily Thomas)
Gaining independence and maturity is a gradual process, evolving over many years of growth and teaching. Even as adults, we are learning more about ourselves each and every day. Children begin to show indicators of responsibility and maturity at a fairly young age. By working together and becoming a team, you can support their natural and healthy developmental drive for independence.
Three main components make up the bulk of encouraging independence in your children. First off, setting concrete limits and boundaries that align with your family. Your child’s safety is more important than any amount of independence they may desire. Secondly, presenting choices as often as possible, as simply as you can with limited parent-approved options. These choices allow children to practice independent decision making, while still maintaining parental authority. Lastly, active listening and asking questions. Let your child know that it’s okay to take time to think through, evaluate potential outcomes and change their mind if they want to.
Children at this age want to — and need to! — make significant decisions. Instead of closely supervising your child’s every action, focus more on guiding decision-making and creating room for reflection and mistakes.
Practice, Practice, Practice
In order for kids to experience life and develop resiliency from the ups and downs that go hand-in-hand with all learning, they will need lots of practice. As parents, we have our own job to practice - stepping out of the way and trusting our children. No parent wakes up one day declaring that it’s time for their kids to be on their own in the world. Likewise, kids typically don’t decide on a whim that they can handle any problem headed their way. Baby steps and practice is good for everyone in the family.
Small Steps
Finding low-stakes ways to support independent choices is a fantastic way to let go of the reins a bit while still maintaining boundaries. Some examples would be to include your child in contributing to the shopping list, deciding on family meals or outings or even allotting a small budget for your child to purchase desired clothing or games. Encouraging them to order their meal at a shop, having them choose their own extracurricular activities or making phone calls to family members and friends to check in or make plans. Building upon each small step encourages their sense of autonomy. A great example of this would be allowing your child to ride a bike to a neighbor’s house, then to ride around the neighborhood with buddies, and then finally to ride their bike to school with friends. This increased sense of ownership is vital to developing independence and responsibility.
Empathy and Praise Win
As difficult as it can be, remaining calm and empathetic are the golden tickets for parents. Your child is not trying to make you angry or drive you crazy. Children at this age want to - and need to - make significant decisions and learn along the way. When mistakes inevitably happen, meet your child with empathy. Emphasize that no one is perfect and that everyone makes errors. Instead of closely supervising your child’s every action, focus more on guiding decision-making and creating room for reflection and mistakes. Connect with your child by sharing stories. When we look to other people and to our own childhood experiences, it becomes easier to put it all in perspective. Practice makes progress, not perfection.
Let It Go
Here's where we, as parents and caregivers, have some work to do on ourselves as we develop the habit of letting go. We can try to control the outcomes and direction of our children while they are young, but as our children grow older, it is imperative that they learn and practice recovering in the wake of mistakes and mishaps. Many parents conflate advice with hand-holding, and they continuously meddle in their children's behavior if they are doing anything incorrectly. When kids are young, it is helpful to provide directions or open-ended recommendations that notify them of the potential to do the work more efficiently. However, as kids grow older you may find it more apt to let them approach you if they require assistance. Finding the balance between adequate supervision with giving kids the space to figure things out on their own can be tricky. Give them a chance to make mistakes and try to avoid taking over. If you’re unsure if you’re stepping into a situation too often or too early, ask yourself “Do I really need to get involved?” or “What would be the worst thing that can happen if I don’t step in?”
Extras
Books to Inspire Childhood Independence